HXBC.us - 竹難月金

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> During my job interviews I was always asked why I started working on [Gaim](http://gaim.sf.net), and I would always tell them I became a contributor because that was what I used, and I used it often enough that some bugs bugged me. Well, that was then. What I usually don't tell them is that for the last couple years I really didn't live up to the title of "Crazy Patch Writer". Why? Because Gaim stopped being something that I care deeply about. Not that I've found anything better, but simply because I rarely chat online anymore. Sure, I am still subcribed to gaim-devel and gaim-commits, but I don't care as much as I did say, 3 years ago.
> 
> It's hard to pinpoint exactly when it happened, probably around the time, the second time, that I realize I really don't have many friends. You see, when I was a kid, when I was in Elementary School that is, I actually thought I had friends. Plenty of them even.
> 
> Things seem to have changed as I moved on to Middle School. It's like *blink*, and all the sudden all the old friends were gone, and then *blink* again I met new people. Then much later, *blink* again, and I lost the few friends that I had. Was that my fault? Maybe. Even now it's hard for me to admit that I really did anything wrong on that occasion. I was just umm, being me.
> 
> Fast forward to Berkeley. There's Keith, and then maybe Vineeth, for the first year at least. Of course, I knew both of them since High School. I really don't think there's anyone else. Even then, I still felt very alone, not the lonely kind of alone, just that even when I was going out with the rest of the floormates I was by myself. No one talked to me, you know. Okay, maybe that _was_ the lonely kind of alone.
> 
> Okay, I will be a little more on topic, then maybe I will finally get to what I wanted to say. That is, _if_ I know what I am trying to say, instead of just some random ranting.
> 
> The truth is, I am not sure why I still use Gaim at all. In the last couple years very few people tried to reach me through IM, and the few that did mostly did so because of academic matters. You know, school stuff. Now that I have graduated there's just one fewer reason for people to care about me. Yes, I know I can start IM'ing them. That feels weird though. Whenever I do that I always feel like they don't really want to chat with me. It's like those sales people who call your home, you wait for them to stop talking so that you can hang up. Or those church people, do they know that if I really wanted to go to Church I would be going to one already? No, I am not interested.
> 
> Anyways, I guess I still leave Gaim running because I am hoping that someone would all the sudden realize that there's this person on his/her list that s/he would want to know more about.
> 
> After all these rambling, I really feel like I am a loser.